I really meant to be writing a new blog entry every month starting… last month. Oops. I mean it’s Covid… (yes, I did just have to add it to my computer dictionary, ugh). Don’t we all have tons of time on our hands? Our social lives have come to a screeching halt, or at least a snail pace. We work, or are unemployed, we see our loved ones, if we can, we have friends, that we can video chat with or meet outside … maybe, but now with winter… So why aren’t we able to find motivation to do what we want or feel obligated to do? You know, get in shape, read the books that we always wanted to, do more around the house, etc. But we don’t, mostly because we just can’t get motivated. Covid has taken a lot from us: death, sense of security, and motivation. It’s hard to see this as a change that can bring about positives but we can try… But how?
I hear everyday how Covid is wreaking havoc with people’s ability to connect with others. The effects aren’t surprising but it is disheartening because we can’t do anything to make it go away quickly. Adults, and especially teens, are struggling with their every day lives: masks, quarantine, isolation, business shut down or limitations. People with addictions are facing some of the hardest times in their lives. I certainly can’t forget the fear that it has created either. Many People feel there is little to look forward to. I read where someone termed it “ambiguous loss” (author unknown). I really wish I had been able to attend that lecture because it appeared she was onto something. We all feel this loss but sometimes it’s hard to put our finger on exactly what that loss is. But, we still feel that we lost something.
In my quest to try to support others in dealing with their isolation, discouragement, and ambiguous loss, I think I may have come across something that may help us all. Self-Compassion. I know some have just rolled their eyes at me and I get it. I may have done the same until I started actually practicing it.
I came across the idea while reading Ann Saffi Biasetti’s book “befriending your body”. This book is for eating disorders specifically but I saw the impact it could have on many people’s lives, starting with mine. I am now a believer. Saffi Biasetti places self-compassion at the cornerstone of eating disorder recovery. I’ll have to ask her but I believe she would agree it is corner stone in ANY recovery. Negative cognitions (negative beliefs that we have about ourselves) are the self critical thoughts and the opposite of self-compassion, per Saffi Biasetti. She quotes Kristen Neff, leading researcher on self-compassion:
“self-compassion…involves being touched by and open to one’s own suffering, not avoiding, or disconnecting from it, generating the desire to alleviate one’s suffering and to heal oneself with kindness. Self-compassion also involves offering nonjudgmental understanding to one’s pain, inadequacies and failures, so that one’s experience is seen as part of the larger human experience.”
So what do we do about that? We look at ourselves kindly, accepting that we may not perfect (this one we can rationally say is true but then beat ourselves up for not being so), and knowing we have flaws (ALL OF US). This helps us “"embrace the pain” of not meeting that idealistic perfection that we have in our minds (Saffi Biasetti, p. 13). I love how Saffi Biasetti reminds us to appreciate our bodies for carrying us around and being forgiving when we misuse it. It is this conversation/acknowledgement of our bodies that will take us out of our head and reconnect to the rest of us… our bodies. You know, that place we FEEL our emotions and that houses our “self”. If we listen, our bodies will tell us what we need: food, sleep, rest, fun, etc.
So, I want to challenge you to show self-compassion to yourself. Talk to yourself as you would a friend struggling, not as you talk to yourself currently. Saffi Biasetti talks about this as well. We can be too hard on ourselves and yet, be understanding of others with the same struggles. Humans are weird, aren’t we? Be mindful, appreciate whatever you can in your life. Start small if you have to, but do something kind for yourself: read a good book, get a massage (love this one!), eat your favorite healthy meal, do a gentle yoga class, sit and check in with your body and see what it is telling you it needs. As hokey as this all can sound, I am here to tell you that is a great place to start to deal with the the confinement and the “ambiguous losses” of Covid.