Self compassion

I really meant to be writing a new blog entry every month starting… last month. Oops. I mean it’s Covid… (yes, I did just have to add it to my computer dictionary, ugh). Don’t we all have tons of time on our hands? Our social lives have come to a screeching halt, or at least a snail pace. We work, or are unemployed, we see our loved ones, if we can, we have friends, that we can video chat with or meet outside … maybe, but now with winter… So why aren’t we able to find motivation to do what we want or feel obligated to do? You know, get in shape, read the books that we always wanted to, do more around the house, etc. But we don’t, mostly because we just can’t get motivated. Covid has taken a lot from us: death, sense of security, and motivation. It’s hard to see this as a change that can bring about positives but we can try… But how?

I hear everyday how Covid is wreaking havoc with people’s ability to connect with others. The effects aren’t surprising but it is disheartening because we can’t do anything to make it go away quickly. Adults, and especially teens, are struggling with their every day lives: masks, quarantine, isolation, business shut down or limitations. People with addictions are facing some of the hardest times in their lives. I certainly can’t forget the fear that it has created either. Many People feel there is little to look forward to. I read where someone termed it “ambiguous loss” (author unknown). I really wish I had been able to attend that lecture because it appeared she was onto something. We all feel this loss but sometimes it’s hard to put our finger on exactly what that loss is. But, we still feel that we lost something.

In my quest to try to support others in dealing with their isolation, discouragement, and ambiguous loss, I think I may have come across something that may help us all. Self-Compassion. I know some have just rolled their eyes at me and I get it. I may have done the same until I started actually practicing it.

I came across the idea while reading Ann Saffi Biasetti’s book “befriending your body”. This book is for eating disorders specifically but I saw the impact it could have on many people’s lives, starting with mine. I am now a believer. Saffi Biasetti places self-compassion at the cornerstone of eating disorder recovery. I’ll have to ask her but I believe she would agree it is corner stone in ANY recovery. Negative cognitions (negative beliefs that we have about ourselves) are the self critical thoughts and the opposite of self-compassion, per Saffi Biasetti. She quotes Kristen Neff, leading researcher on self-compassion:

“self-compassion…involves being touched by and open to one’s own suffering, not avoiding, or disconnecting from it, generating the desire to alleviate one’s suffering and to heal oneself with kindness. Self-compassion also involves offering nonjudgmental understanding to one’s pain, inadequacies and failures, so that one’s experience is seen as part of the larger human experience.”

So what do we do about that? We look at ourselves kindly, accepting that we may not perfect (this one we can rationally say is true but then beat ourselves up for not being so), and knowing we have flaws (ALL OF US). This helps us “"embrace the pain” of not meeting that idealistic perfection that we have in our minds (Saffi Biasetti, p. 13). I love how Saffi Biasetti reminds us to appreciate our bodies for carrying us around and being forgiving when we misuse it. It is this conversation/acknowledgement of our bodies that will take us out of our head and reconnect to the rest of us… our bodies. You know, that place we FEEL our emotions and that houses our “self”. If we listen, our bodies will tell us what we need: food, sleep, rest, fun, etc.

So, I want to challenge you to show self-compassion to yourself. Talk to yourself as you would a friend struggling, not as you talk to yourself currently. Saffi Biasetti talks about this as well. We can be too hard on ourselves and yet, be understanding of others with the same struggles. Humans are weird, aren’t we? Be mindful, appreciate whatever you can in your life. Start small if you have to, but do something kind for yourself: read a good book, get a massage (love this one!), eat your favorite healthy meal, do a gentle yoga class, sit and check in with your body and see what it is telling you it needs. As hokey as this all can sound, I am here to tell you that is a great place to start to deal with the the confinement and the “ambiguous losses” of Covid.

Anxiety

So many of us battle anxiety, on some level. This can range from mild, situational anxiety to paralyzing panic attacks. There are many ways to address anxiety. It's a matter of finding what works for you.

We all know of the medication that can address anxiety and sometimes this is the only solution a doctor can find to help their patient but… there are many techniques that can be explored to negate anxiety symptoms. These can be attempted with or without medication.

The two I have most recently been exploring are Tapping Meditation and DARE approach. The Tapping meditation, otherwise known as EFT (emotional freedom techniques), was orginally explained by Gary Craig. His book was published in 2011. I have been reading about and downloaded the free app developed by the Ortner siblings: Alex, Jessica, and Nick. They explain the process and offer free guidance, depending on what you are looking for, all within the app. Of course, there are sessions that require a cost but it is free to explore. There is some research to support this approach and it is based on ancient Chinese techniques such as acupuncture and acupressure. It’s interesting. I’ll admit, I’ve used tapping as part of a trauma course. It did seem to ease my fear of snakes… for a while :) It was a different form of tapping that they illustrate, but similar. I guess I’m saying that I do buy into the concept that our bodies can do SOME healing on thier own.

The other approach, but I’d say it can be used simultaneously, is the DARE technique by Barry McDonagh, 2020. Actually my copy was published Feb 4th, 2020… 2 weeks before I bought it! This is written by someone who experiences anxiety for those experiencing anxiety. It is not a technical read and quite well laid out. The DARE approach stands for Defuse, Allow, Run toward and engage. I have known people who have faced their anxiety in similar ways as what is laid out in this book. It’s an easy and informative read, worth your time. And by now, you know I love to suggest some reading options :)

As I stumble upon new approaches, because I'm always looking for more options, I will pass them along to you.

Where to start...

The key to finding our peace of mind is well… finding a place where we feel peaceful. The goal is to feel peaceful wherever you are but that is easier said than done. So many say that their lives are hectic and they are so busy. This is unfortunately true for so many. I was one of those people. I had a job that I felt was so important, that it took over my life. I was a naysayer to those who told me to take care of myself. When could I find time to relax when my time was in such demand? Who would do all the things that I did? I suppose I fancied myself as “too important” to the world to slow down. What would they do without me? Well, they would survive.

Luckily, the universe decided it was time for me to change course. The job went away, and poof… the stress and sense of impending deadlines went with it. Of course, I am over simplifying this. I just want to let you know, I understand where you may be right now. In this blog, I’d like to share with you what I learned and what others have taught me. None of this may be mind blowing but most of life isn’t. We have complicated it, muddled it and then be overcome by it. Life doesn’t steal our peace. We hand it over to the “complications of our mind”… I believe that was a song lyric, huh.

As a therapist I should have known where to begin with finding peace in my life but I didn’t. I mean, I knew the “words” but “Words” can be hollow until we are open to hearing them. In a particularly low point, a therapist gave me a copy of Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, “Four Agreements”: be impeccable to your word, Don’t make assumptions, don’t take things personally and always do your best. This is your first stop to learn about peace. I mean, this book was a best seller for 7 years. It must have something to offer, right? I’m sure many of you have seen excerpts from this book and I strongly urge you to read it. OR “The power of now” by Eckhart Tolle Or ”The Untethered Soul” by Alan Singer Or “Buddhism, Plan and Simple” by Steve Hagen…. It doesn’t really matter where you start, just start. It can really be that simple. Read a book. It’s private and confidential. These books are just a few and honestly, some of their concepts or ideas will challenge how you think. That’s what they are there for, to make you think. You don’t even have to agree with them, just expose yourself to these ideas. The concepts may be challenging but the beginning can be as simple as the act of picking up a book. SEGWAY alert….

One of the many community resources that I encourage people to access is the local library. Yup, libraries can be used to improve your mental health… who knew, right? You don’t need to BUY a book or an online kindle book, unless you want to. The library is free. It not only provides resources for pleasure reading but there are books and videos for: self-help, DIY, bird watching, oil painting, basket weaving…. whatever you want to know about. An added bonus is that it provides a quiet, reflective place for you to sit and breath. In a later entry we will talk about how learning new things actually creates new neural pathways in our brains but that’s not for today.

So, for today’s blog, I hope you take away a small, simple suggestion on finding peace, finding a peaceful place and the start of our exploration of community resources. It doesn’t have to be complicated or cost money. And even if these ideas challenge your concepts of the world and yourself, maybe that’s good because what most of us are doing isn’t working. There are many more options that I will share as we go along. I hope you continue to join me.

More tools...

In our communities we have many untapped supports and resources. Exploring and finding these supports will be what I aim to do on this blog.

So, check in as I enter various community options that you can explore as therapeutic supports…. things you may never have considered as means to improving your mental health. Let’s explore together.

I need to place a disclaimer in here. Please remember, this information is for support and should only be used in addition to therapy, not in place of therapy. If you are in crisis or having thoughts of harm, please reach out to a professional or go to your closest emergency room.